The funny thing is, if I were to go back in time, I wouldn't let the relationship happened. Looking back, I realised that I was just a rebound and I can explain. Since the day she broke up with the guy before she was attached to me, she called me every night 'cuz she said that I was her best friend. Being her friend, I tried consoling her but I was never good at consoling. So I tried to make her laugh. It worked. Signs were clear she had feelings for me but I was still blind to see. Then the day came. She gave me a letter where she spilled out her heart to me. At that moment, I thought I was the happiest guy in the world.

But now, I realised. If she wrote her ex's name on the card where she is confessing emotions to someone, isn't it obvious she isn't over the guy? Happiness only lasted 2 months++. Then our first breakup came. I'm not gonna say the reason here so if you wanna know, ask me personally. Being my first relationship, I cried my eyes out. The whole journey towards and from school, only to stop when I reach my destination. A few weeks later, I ask for a patch consistently. After a bunch of rejections, she accepted. She asked for another breakup after a while. This time, it lasted a mere 2-3 weeks. She said she felt we were drifting apart. I found out that the truth was she feared commitments. Fine. I was like "whatever". I continued life without her, thinking she'd be fine without me. About a month later, her friend texted me that she really missed me. Being a sympathetic guy, I played along with her plan to surprise the ex. One thing led to another, our night ended with our first, and only, kiss. I will never forget that moment. So we had a "silent agreement" to patch. It only lasted about a month. This time, I end it off because she wasn't treating me like she used to. And also because of another reason which I will only say if you ask me personally. We didn't talk to each other for a while then we started talking like nothing happened between us.

Here's what's bothering me right now. All those times, I was the one who initiated the calls and text etc. At least 80% of the time anyways. Now, she "merajuk" with me, saying that I never wanna call her first. I can even find evidence that she felt that she was the mistake in the relationship. But apparently now, because of me she said this:

What the fuck is she thinking? Is she turning lesbian?

Oh. Here's the evidence saying she was the mistake herself. It's a little long.

"I've got something to say, and I need to say it now.

Half of me hopes you see this, and the other half hopes you don't.

I just need to let it out now.

I know I said that I regret falling in love with you, and that I just wanted my best friend back. I shouldn't have.

Because falling for you, well, sort of inevitable.

It was bound to happen, and I knew it.

For once, I'm going to swallow my stupid ego, and admit this.

The only reason we couldn't last was me.

You were willing to sacrifice. I was just afraid of the idea of being attached to someone. I was frightened of having something more than friendship with the only boy thats ever really known me. The only one I'm not afraid to share secrets with, and cry to. It made me uncomfortable, you see.

To me, falling for you was one thing. Being with you was another.

I never thought you'd feel the same way.

This has happened before. It didn't end well. It never does.

I didn't want to lose the closest thing I've had to real. Genuine.

Since you're already happy liking someone else, I think its safe for me to say this.

I'm not lying when I say you'll make a fantastic boyfriend. Because you were.

minus you're annoying slangs, and you're habit of annoying me, and teasing me 24/7 cause you're an ass. Your talking to your cat instead of me, just cause you know I hate it. YOUR OK KAROAKE SESSIONS.

god you are such an ass now I think of it.

But it made me feel content. All your stupid annoying imperfections were perfect to me. I don't entirely know the point of the post. I guess, once again, I just needed to let it out. I don't want us to be awkward anymore. I need you, as I always have these past 5 years. I just don't know what to do. Whether to move forward, or back, or do nothing"

I wanna say I hate her. I really do. But some of the times I had with her were literally some of the best moments of my life. But if you're gonna ask me this second, I would say I fucking hate her.